runes
this is the diary part i suppose. don't expect anything of it, it may not make sense, be mentally ill and contain coded information that won't be readable if you don't know me (most will probably be accessible, but i can't make any promises). it also won't necessarily be regular and up to date, although i would like to journal more for the purpose of mental health maintainment.
04.05.2024
long time no hear. i apologise for that. i've been having a very difficult period in life regarding work; nothing threatening, but i've ended up in a place where work was routine and dissatisfying, the atmosphere was horrible, and worse so, i have to wake up at 06 am on some days, which for me, as a very fixed nocturnal autist, has been hell on earth. after that, there was a holiday week in my country and i've used the time i had off to get a grip on myself, recharge and be return to a decent level of productivity.
i didn't have the energy to maintain the website; now excuse me for that, as i do try to keep it updated regularly and engage myself with it properly, but when my work life balance is threatened and i focus on keeping it in some sort of order i put things that can wait aside. i've been alright though - well, stressed, but nothing horrible happened to me; another reason i was away was that i'm doing a ton of paperwork related to my vacation by the end of may - i'll be flying to the uk to meet a dear friend of mine. i'm very excited about that, however terrified of flying; not the flight itself, but rather the customs and everything that has to be done at the airport. i've never dealt with that kinda thing earlier.
yesterday i was at a party - it was fun. once again, not something i do often, but something i should do more often, as i am routinely undersocialised. i'm an introverted hermit who can spend up to two weeks alone in a healthy way, but i need to go out and hang out with people some, and in stressful periods i shy away from that, preferring to spend any rare free time i have reading and resting in ways that allow me to stay functional. social contacts then become a lower priority. that reflects negatively on my mood, and has probably contributed to the low level depressive episode i experienced in the second half of april, one i'm now recovering from.
aforementioned friend of mine has finished his dissertion now, meaning we get to talk more - which is a positive for me also; i have missed him.
the weather was great the last few days. i've spent most of it reading foucault in the local park and visiting cafes to have lemonade and fancy breakfasts there. very much enjoyed that.
i am reading a lot of things; once again foucault, as i said, but i've also bought some sociobiology and history books, and i have two sexology related ones on my list of things to read. the books i bought include biographies of roman emperors by suetonius... needless to say, i continue being 'male patterned autistic'. i also bought a book concerning testosterone and its impact on behaviour and processing, which i've been curious about since i first read sapolsky - 'behave' - which was a few years ago.
i'll try to make effort to update this site more often, whenever i can. so far i can offer you an update on foucault and a conclusive update on reich, the latter book i've finished during the period of my absence; i've also gotten quite far with the former.
on the other news: i plan on deleting tumblr. it was the only social media of that sort i had accounts on, aside from facebook, which i use mostly for work purposes, and work purposes are why i use it at all; i've noticed reposting pictures of pretty art isn't worth expoure to all the stupidity. even as i avoided political accounts i was needlessly exposed to stupid people and annoyed by them when it was entirely avoidable and i didn't need these randos in my life and on my radar whatsoever. probably a smart decision.
hopefully you'll hear from me again soon!
08.04.2024
the weather outside has been great. sounds trivial, but i'm really enjoying the summer vibes, it makes my seasonal depression disappear instantly. i feel less anhedonic, more active and hopeful, though i've had moments of weird insecurity lately and also a very emotionally tasking therapy session. i now have to tolerate a bunch of irritating people at work for a while, but today was fine.
i got home super early, so i got some groceries (and received compliments on how healthy they were from the cashier... lol, i appreciate much but i just work out so i have to eat healthy most of the time or else it won't be going well), and now i'm charging my phone - about the hit the gym later; then return home, shower, go into the city, buy one thing i've wanted for a while and probably have something to eat there.
right now i'm listening to bowie's 'quicksand' (bowpromo ver) with my windows all open.
i'm continuing reading reich, he disappointed me a bit with homophobic takes, but i still find the book great and very insightful. i'll of course discuss that when i journal chapters 7-9, which will be soon. i've had an idea for the next essay - about how loss of culture of debate and rules and 'clean' debating has been not only tolerated, but normalised in so called 'discourse' online, how guilt tripping and baseless accusation and antagonising the anonymous audience etc have just become a normal, respected tactic rather than 'trolling'. maybe i'm getting old but there's a degeneration of culture of debate going on.
i've grown up as a transchild, as many may know, and i was friends with a group of boys who were really into debating; i was good at it. insulting your opponent automatically meant you've lost - lack of arguments. it was good, clean debate. i can understand women's frustration when abiding to male-made rules of debate is required because it's not that easy to keep one's cool when your human rights are being debated or someone is subtly belittling you, but... yes, anyway i will write about that, most likely - and journal reich; not today, though. i need time to myself.
some may now know, but this isn't my normal typing style. or well, it's close enough, but i use capitals - selectively - and in general my typing style in private communication differs slightly. for the website, and therefore also here, i've chosen the one i consider the clearest to read. it's just a fun fact, i suppose.
lately i've been returning to my old nicknames for a bit - like 'suvorov', one i used as a teenager - from alexander suvorov, a russian tsarist general. it's a part of embracing my teenage self more now that i've healed of certain internalised bigotries; i still use 'kotte' as the main nickname around here, though. i do like kotte too, quite a bit. i think it's adorable and suits me.
i need new clothes. i've cleaned my wardrobe recently; threw out all the jeans to give them away to a charity shop, upon deciding i don't wear them anyways. i find them uncomfortable and don't like myself in them; i prefer high waisted frabric or leather pants. i've known i hated jeans since i was a teen, yet i kept buying them because 'everyone' wears and likes them so surely i must be doing something wrong. now isn't that an example of very cringe collectivist thinking? lmao!
my very close friend was on vacation for a few days visiting his gf, and another - one i live with - was away with her family, and i spent several days near completely alone, sans talking to my partner in the afternoons. i enjoy solitude, it was mostly healing - i became more aware of surroundings and my body, and i noticed i was tense majority of the time and made effort to relax my body a bit when i had nothing to worry about. i was slightly bored by the end of it though, so it's good to have them around again.
i've also been doing certain routines i won't talk about because it'd be tmi in order to synchronise physical arousal with emotional better and it seems to be working, so my libido returned more than it has before. i think i prefer it this way; i uphold having no sexual impulses means having no creative energy and motivation as well.
more on books: i really want to read something about caesar/the roman empire and/or napoleon/napoleonic france and i want to scream because i have to so much left to read before i can properly get to that lmfao. i want to reignate my old autism for the benefit of no anhedonia.
it really is funny when people act like i'm mentally healthy and maybe even neurotypical for my routines with exercising, healthy food and all that when i literally do it all because without proper life hygiene i have 0 ability to ever be happy about or enjoy anything and i have to meet limits of discipline and regulation most consider some sort of an achievement as the bare minimum necessary to experience positive emotions, because neglecting myself, not working out et cetera immediately equals anhedonia. oh well. which reminds me i have to buy meds today.
anyway the sun is shining, i had a great chicken + avocado salad and soon i'll be at the gym working out to deftones. i'm not complaining. my life seems to be on a good track, with some episodic mood swings. i'm thinking of hooking up with someone (since my current partner and i aren't monogamous), but i still don't find myself having enough time and energy for the effort it takes.
gf said there's some possibility of mirroring dreamwidth on neocities, but i can't be bothered with that. copy pasting it is.
for anyone worried, i will continue posting here and i'm not moving entirely to dreamwidth. i write essays and poems, and i don't find dreamwidth the most convenient place to post these, i prefer to keep them separated from journal entires. therefore dw, i will stay.
04.04.2024
not much time today to add a lot - i've been busy - but i'll write a longer update soon; for the sake of keeping up with journaling better, i've made a dreamwidth account which i wanted to announce and i encourage anyone reading this to add me! it'll be easier for me to actually keep it up if i get any activity there. see you soon!
11.03.2024
first off - i do apologise for the long radio silence; i've overestimated my ability to be a party person, and went out three weekeneds in a row. i had a lot of fun, but i eventually exhausted myself and also got sick once in the meantime and was treating the cold, and then went out again. i'm really tired, and so it's difficult to motivate myself to write things; i've also been going to work, of course. i've written a poem yesterday, and i have some texts half-written or mostly-written, on hold - i want to publish one about androgyny and how narrowly understood it is, and about the homosexual transchild experience that i had having been transsexual since 13 (for clarity: that means i was socially transitioning then, not that i had 'feelings' from then on), but i keep leaving it on hold because i get attacked with executive dysfunction; i'll get over myself but you need to give me a while, okay.
i've meanwhile gotten into sexology, and i'm reading bailey - 'the man who would be queen', finding it very interesting. i've made certain decisions concerning my future, and while i don't want to reveal what i do specifically, i now am looking to an opportunity to tie myself to sexology, sociobiology and neuroscience professionally, and the thought of it makes me insanely happy so that's probably what i should do. i need more information on certain things to make the final decision. i might become involved in that on that level.
lately it's been grey and cold outside, so my seasonal depression resurfaces at times, but otherwise i find myself feeling better. i've experienced a few unpleasant events, but generally been better than before. i'm continue going to the gym twice a week, and recently i also went shopping and got some wonderful shirts i will show off sooner or later.
i spent this weekend resting after the three ones i was partying over; i just got high, listened to some good music, and discussed with my close friends; a few of my friendgroup got into sexology too and we've had some pretty interesting debates and discussions. i'll continue reading reich and other philosophy stuff (schopenhauer soon? wittgenstein?) after i get the fuck over myself.
next few weeks i will probably spend resting in terms of social events, so i may - hopefully - read and write more. the poem i wrote today is particularly intimate and inspired by someone i adore. it is rare for me to write emotional, personal poetry, feels cringe on some level, but for the sake of going out of comfort zone i should do it more often.
i believe and hope my life is returning to the right track after the autumn and winter depression, which happened due to both weather and negative developments in my personal life. this year is pretty wild, though - a lot of unexpected turns, and it's only march! i might be moving flats sometime in 2024, and live in a studio alone. i would love that for myself; i never truly lived alone, i have a flatmate currently, and while it's someone i love and knew since i was a teenager, i still find that it's irritating to have to wait for a weekend when she isn't home to invite someone, and such. i would like to have the experience of having space completely to myself. this thought also makes me happy.
following what makes me happy, i may be live in another city, alone, and be professionally involved in sociobiology among other things by autumn of 2024.
26.02.2024
i had a lot of fun on saturday. i entertain meeting a new intelligent person (old-new) i can talk to, over here. we may start some kind of a local philosophy club, which would be amazing. it's just a hypothetical now but we're strongly considering it. on saturday i'm once again inviting someone and going out with them which is great. i've had a social life lately. wild.
i made a decision about my career today too, based on a convo with someone who encouraged me. the plan i'm going to pursue is very ambitious, i'm likely to be hyperspecialised in my field and earn a lot by the time i'm 35, but the time it'll take to get where i really want to be is overwhelming to me and the main reason i gave up on this plan before. maybe i had been too pessimistic! if it doesn't work out, i'll likely still end up in a good place. the future is overwhelming, but i'm regaining the ability to enjoy things and be hopeful and enthusiastic about things in my life, which is great. i've felt unloved for reasons, too, though, and it bothered me - basically, just a narcissistic crash.
i'm now processing some things from the weekend - even pre-outing - and took some drugs for this purpose; i was high and had fun, but also had to constantly be eating something because of nausea, which happened otherwise. that annoyed me. being high isn't as fun if you're physically uncomfortable.
i feel, though, that i want to leave some things behind and yet my brain can't jump over some kind of an obstacle; stands over it like a stubborn horse. i need to alter my persepctives or perhaps dream a good solution until i'm able to completely process and leave behind the events and tend to the scars they left on my self esteem.
while high, i wrote two decent poems, again. i've been on the roll with these lately.
tomorrow, once again, work - so was today; at work things were mostly boring and quiet.
had discussions about sexology with my friends today - very stimulating; we've attempted to categorise the sexualities of trans chasers. been a bit of blanchtardians but not really.
sometime soon, i need to sleep. two or three texts are on the way but i need to finish them.
had pizza today. i'm one of the heathens who love pineapple on pizza.
yes, so i guess that's it for today.
24.02.2024
i posted six new poems and a new reflection today! i'm still currently working on at least two texts; i haven't finished some, and i don't want to post everything at once.
not a lot of time for this entry, because i'm going to grab a beer with some irls for the first time in months, not counting saturday - it's really good i've started going out and meeting people again. today i woke up late and went to take a stupid walk for my stupid mental health. kind of boring, but not bad.
i've felt better lately. my seasonal depression is clearly subsiding, i've been more productive and inspired, which is really great and something i'm happy about. i also discovered new ways of dealing with emotions, which include vomiting them into notepad and then deleting. it's worked a few times. oh, and writing poems. it's helping me leave behind some events of 2023 emotionally.
it seems like things are finally improving, though i don't want to jinx it. i've gained the weight i've lost since october - i've been alarmingly skinny, to the point it was difficult to take a good nude (lol). it's better now.
a close friend of mine is struggling currently, glad i'm getting better so i do a better job at supporting him.
i've bought a few notebooks to write insane poetry in, and a small one to manage my budget. found out i've spent about 100 more 'for bullshit' (this is my new category for that) last week than i have now set as the goal. i don't want to save as much as humanly possible; i want to make sure i leave an amount of 'fun money' for myself. i just want to be more responsible with it.
so yes, i'm going to go grab some beer and hopefully i won't be hungover tomorrow. i've also been sick lately, as i wrote in the last entry, and that cold has passed. it got a bit better on wednesday, and was mostly gone on thursday - enough that i went to the gym, and managed to meet my usual performance standard.
i'm healthy now - again, i hope i don't get a cold now due to alcohol, but i'll try to keep to warm places.
have a good day, people! oh, and a good weekend.
20.02.2024
on saturday i went out - for the first time in a while, clearly out there to break my shutin streak - and caught a cold immediately. oh well. had a lot of fun, went to a cat cafe, to get sushi and then drank some very good wine, and ate great pancakes. awesome time overall. shame i got sick immediately the day after.
yesterday i wasn't at work - today i attempted to go, just to get told to show up in two days, since i didn't look like i was viable for working, apparently, and posed too much of a risk despite wearing a mask. i get it - and i'm going to be paid, so it's all fine. today i bought new earrings - note to self: start making notes of expenses to be more financially responsible. they're pretty, but i don't know how often i will wear them because they contain small elements that piss me off - and wrote two essays, besides that i've been resting, and so i shall tomorrow. before today i was too weak and in too much discomfort to be able to do anything productive. it seems i may have to miss the gym this week, unless i go on friday.
i'm probably going to have another autistic phase on the nazi germany history soon, i bought a ton of books and i'm going to be absolutely insufferable when it happens, even as i have the idpol as slavic jew. i'm also trying to write more poetry and, well, go out more. still sitting on my idea of moving to another city and considering.
i now wonder if there's a block button on neocities because someone unfollowed me and apparently i also don't follow her now? which is perfectly fine, though i out of pure curiosity would like to know what was that she didn't like.
i very much recommend the stuff i wrote today, this because i put a ton of effort into it and because it's fucking hilarious (to me), this this because i think some of you, especially the 30+ ones, may entertain it. otoh, i'm a narcissist and i tend to assume people will entertain the stuff i write, rightfully or not, so wave it off if you please.
felt a weird desire to eat sweet things lately - i don't normally - probably because i'm sick.
a few days i've used tom ford - lost cherry for the first time in a while, and the day was extraordinarily sunny and warm, and i felt the summer 2023 vibe. comforting to know the vibe probably wasn't down to being close with someone i've lost, but rather down to me not having seasonal depression.
that's how it continues to be on this bitch of an earth, i suppose.
15.02.2024
it's technically 15th now and i stayed up late writing korean skincare recommendations, so i better sleep soon, as one of the professors is at work today and may yell at me if i'm late. woops.
i've wanted to say something about a very special and lovely girl whom i've known for several years now, at various highs and lows of our lives. i've noticed her when we first encountered each other, then there was a longer period we haven't talked, which... well, happened due to circumstances, but i'm really glad we reconnected because only then i was able to know her better and see how lovely she really is as a person. i've always adored her sense of humour, but knowing her so closely and intimately has been a privilege granted to me; more than i would have ever asked for when in the past i wished we could hang out and that she noticed me (notice me, senpai... whatever). i cherish every day i have of getting to have this special position in her life; it's a shame we live so far from each other as i miss her in my life and wish i could share more of my daily routines and my physical space with her and had more opportunities to show her how life should have treated her when it didn't, the kind of treatment she deserves and should have been given by these before me. unfortunately, the world is very unfair - but i wish i could make it a bit brighter for her and make up for years of alienation and misery in the past - i think i'm doing my past, although obviously less than i could because of distance. i simply have picked this woman to be important to me for all the unique and endearing qualities of hers, and i want to make her life better as much as i can given the context our relation exists in.
she drew this beautiful art for me which i feel very flattered by and proud of so i'm posting it here.
on my part i've bought her a memphis-coded bracelet that reminded me of her style, and which is currently struggling with the international post. not very fancy but it's not been long since we decided to be lovers moreso than platonic friends, and we've been both having financial trouble and trouble with the world of various sorts. happens! i do think it's a decent pick, though. i also sent her a card but she may only see it when it arrives. duh.
anyways, grateful to the world for someone i can appreciate so deeply, and hopeful for more good developments in my life (maybe, finally).
i've felt better. helped a friend today. therapy tomorrow. goodnight!
11.02.2024
today i had some sour beer and finished the fungi book, which i'm very happy and satisfied about. i'm talking book by merlin sheldrake titled "entangled life. how fungi make our worlds, change our minds and shape our futures". i'm going to add a brief review to the page where i comment on books unrelated to philosophy. it was very enjoyable, well written and curiosity-encouraging. i also made a table of contents on the vampirism essay. yay.
tomorrow i'm going back to work, i have to say i even want to be there, though i'm not looking forward to waking up at 07. i'm decidedly a night owl and it's fucking with my brain.
i had an unpleasant situation yesterday and ordered myself some new jewellery to cheer myself up. yay retail therapy. i'll show it once it's here.
i also ordered some new skincare items from skin 7/9.
i would use some new work clothes and also a grass-scented shampoo. i love the smell of fresh grass above anything else, and last year in summer i had a shampoo i think by yupe, which satisfied my nostalgia for that smell.
overall i feel better! i'm clearly at least partly out of the depression i've been in lately.
09.02.2024
sorry for the few days with no updates, i had a busy week! i had a few concepts 'wandering' around my head for a while, so i just worded them properly and wrote them out today in form of the 3 batshit insane essays you received. today i was writing that out, cleaning the flat, and now i'm going to read for a bit.
i hope you all enjoy a new... testimony to my specimenhood. i may be more active next week and post more perfume reviews and fashion posts, i've been wanting to for a while, and when i finally get to wilhelm reich i'll post about that too. have a nice weekend!
05.02.2024
today was a very lazy day, something about air pressure i believe. it was difficult to motivate myself to do anything productive at work, which is a shame since there was work to do and i had a bit of responsibility, but i did enough of what was asked from me. i felt sleepy and distracted, even though i slept decently; perhaps i went to bed too late. after work i took my papers to the hr to do the paperwork necessary to get paid for january in a few days hopefully.
after work i went home and i edited this site. i've been toying with the idea of changing my url for something more sensible for a while; but i was scared of the work with fixing links. someone wonderful and very helpful told me i could use visual code find + replace function and reupload the pages, which is what i did and it worked! new url, then. the old url was a german word with a typo, repeat of an old nickname i had a child, where i made the error in it just because i was a stupid kid (this time i repeated it knowingly); i don't even have a particular sentiment for that one, i just had to come up with something and wasn't very creative in the moment. it was initially just going to be something i did because my friendgroup who generally all have severe nostalgia for the 00s were doing it. i decided i could post some of the things i write here, and maybe journal for my own good. put essays, poems and akin here so i can just send me friends a link or post it in the right groupchat instead of sending files to people personally. very convenient, so i signed up for this. i expected my friends from aforementioned group and maybe some rando strangers who got lost to see it; i didn't expect to become a part of some sort of a sphere with new people, if i had i would've thought on the url more. anyways though, i received advice about this and it worked, so i set it to what was my first idea - just my brand, you know.
she also made this button for me and i give her 100% of the credit, i love it, it has my trademark cat plus very good colour harmony. this cat really reflects me on many levels.
i've been unproductive today aside from changing the url and fixing up the website, and so i'm a bit angry about it, but i suppose i'm allowed sometimes; i feel better than i felt in december and first half of january, something is improving.
i also want to say i do sleep better on estradiol. pinkpilled sleep quality.
03.02.2024
it's 03 and i was staying up to finish my my introduction to seasonal colour analysis, so for anyone interested. i am strongly encouraging you to take a look at that. listening to david bowie - "time" and thinking.
yesterday i did something at work that's way below my qualifications and competences, but insanely satisfying nevertheless.
there was this great big pile of documents. they were flooding the room and i was told i could try to "do something about", but without much belief it'll be of any success. the documents began at 60 000/2023, went up to 70 000/2023 and then from 1 up to 3000s in /2024. so there was... about 13 thousands documents in this pile, and they kept being added on because there's new ones every day. i was told no one has time or energy to do anything with it, and the moment i saw it i decided i was going to clean and install order in there, because who if not me.
i've been sorting them any time at work i wasn't doing anything more important, so basically all my free time there. i've been looking for all that started with 60s and then sorted out the 60 1s, 60 2s... so on... and then 61 0s, 61 1s... and... i've done it.
i sorted and archived all of 2023 and put the the 2024 in order. now it's up to date and three different people thanked me for it.
i've cleaned the augean stables!
also relevant - i was dressed in a masculine way and decided to wear a powdery, sweet perfume for balanace, and i ran (while being late...) into one of the elderly women working there, lab employee in her 70s, the "oldschool" type, who is convinced that i'm a man. she complimented me, saying i smelled nice and men should wear delicate fragrances like that more often since it would make her as a woman feel safer around them. this is... interesting, makes me wonder what would straight women's tastes really be like if they weren't socialised into cultural fetishes.
answering to these who may be confused how i still function in some places as a man - i just dress more masculine when i go to these places. i can adjust my presentation to context and often do.
sidenote and loosely related, i sleep better on estadiol, at least slept better last 3 days. today i also slept most of the afternoon, which i'm not particularly happy about, although many of my friends also had hypersomnia, so it may be to do with air pressure or something; it's too short to make a certain observation, but it seems my sleep quality may have improved a bit since i've taken the pink pill again. it may have been a good decision.
also - i've really liked this workplace so far, it's a huge positive change after my last one; i find that i don't feel tense at the thought of having to go there the next day, and the people are even sufferable. perhaps because i'm left alone most of the time. i find that i respond awfully to presence of other people around my age and of similar range / competitions / sets of task at work, i can suffer these who are higher (if they're competent, if someone i consider incompetent wants to make me listen to them i fight them and indeed i have in the past) and these who are lower, but equals stress me the fuck out, probably because there's expectations of building some kind of a group or community when i really just want to be left alone to do my work usually. it would be good to make friends at work if i met someone intelligent, i give people chances, but truth is most people bore me.
i'm not trying to be a narcissist rn, i even assume i might be boring for many, depending on their values and what they enjoy in others, but yes, my problem is that i find most people boring, even if i engaged in their conversations i could but it'd be a chore because we have little to talk about. i crave interesting company like plants crave water nowadays, or well, always. in absence of such, being able to chill alone and focus on my job + stuff like maybe sorting out old documents no one wants to touch is better than having to either participate in group life with people i can't connect with or going out of my way to seek solitude just to be branded "asocial" and approached with open hostility as the group would take not wanting to participate as an act of aggression. it was always between forcing myself to engage people i had little in common with - which always felt like pulling teeth - and facing open hostility and aggression on account of being a loner. it's nice to not have this problem, plus i really like the atmosphere there and the surroundings; the buzzing of the machines is soothing. they really should make this damn archive electronic, it'll certainly pile up again.
i'm probably going to get high tomorrow and i'm planning on writing down my thoughts if i happen to think about anything interesting. today i've bought two scarves and as i was wandering around the city, i've had various thoughts about max stirner (whom i liked but did not consider super impressive) and slavery to ideas in context of the idea of nation and akin, and also the way today's left largely replaced "god" with "society" while not changing the religious mentality, something i mentioned in passing in one of my essays on this website, so i might elaborate on it. i want to finish the book on fungi, so i can tell if it was worth reading, and then i want to progress to both the psychoanalysis of fascism and my books about nazi germany. tfw engaging in dark autism. at least i have the idpol for this.
otherwise you can expect high person things being said and maybe poems, that's what substances do.
now that i've written about seasonal colour analysis i'll probably in some relatively close future write about other typologies i tend to enjoy. i have a lot of ideas for things i want to write on, i tend to write my essays in one sitting because they've normally formed in my brain before i started actually writing them, so it's just a matter of pouring them onto the keyboard.
if i haven't responded to your email, don't worry, i will soon, i've read them and i keep them in the back of my head; my honest apologies for the waiting. i appreciate all contact. also i'm welcoming the new followers (once again, not that i'm complaining). if you follow me for specimen reasons that's fine, i get it.
that's it for today, kotte signing out, goodnight.
31.01.2024
it appears i'm out of the worst phase of depression, but there were better times, still. granted most of my life sucked, but it can and has gotten better than now, so i'm still working on the situation. i bask in the lamp light regularly, it seems to help, so if anyone was hesitating about buying a lamp... buy the damn lamp.
today i dressed more masculine and decided i can then wear insolence. you know, for balance. i love insolence so much, true shame they discontinued the bottle design also.
went to the gym. exhausted now. ordered lapis lazuli earrings and i'm loving them, though i didn't wear them today. been too busy to properly read things, although i'm very much enjoying the current workplace. i need a haircut, so i'll get around to that soon. therapy tomorrow again.
i long to get high. might get an opportunity soon. i have to reflect on whatever i'm doing with my life in an altered state. helps to find new perspectives. i am an independent adult with decent perspectives on career and basically guaranteed employment because of the character of my profession, i'm just miserable because my past keeps catching up to me. it feels like fighting to stay afloat when the water is consistently trying to drown you and you can't do shit because the water comes from within and is just years of childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse which got your brain so used to feeling miserable that now it does so at the smallest excuse. like a biochemical habit. i'm going through it.
i looked at myself in the mirror today and had a funny reflection. in winter i almost exclusively wear men's clothes aside from jewellery, coats and shoes, and i like to present a kind of femininity, but only if i'm physically comfortable. i don't wear makeup or bras. i mostly present elements of femininity because i'm into masculine women and want to attract them, not necessarily consciously, but when i look deep down that's my core motivation. if i wasn't so damn bent i'd probably be properly masculine, otherwise it'd be out of character. sometimes i think about myself instinctively as effeminate, i'm not feminine in the way straight women are, i present femininity in the selective forms solely because of my sexuality (preferences). lesbians don't internalise femininity in the same way especially if they're dysphoric like me... my point is that sometimes i think of myself as "effeminate lesbian" and i'm like: by hell i'm bent. i'm bent as fuck.
i was going to end with this absurd accent, but it then hit me i forgot to mention: i'm back on estradiol, aside from testosterone. i had a hysterectomy at 20, and had surgical menopause, it's troubled me for 2 years or so - mainly hot flashes, cold sweats and absolutely awful quality of sleep - and so i was on small doses of estradiol as addition to my ftm hrt plan, but then the symptoms passed and i got off it, and i've been fine since. sometimes it returns on a selective night though, two or three times a month, and these nights are hellish. yesterday i had one happen and i was barely dragging myself around, so i decided that... nah. i'm not putting myself through this. estradiol it is.
i've basically transitioned to significant extent, then started to identify as a lesbian and came out to the people i lived, worked et cetera with as born female and gay, i stopped caring about passing and tryharding with masculinity beyond my natural range and i gave up on further changes, but i stayed on testosterone rather than switching completely to estradiol and kept male data and identity in some spaces. i'm basically comfortable neither going further not reverting the changes i had. i reject societal gender and don't care about words or how i'm read and called. i'm generally ok with being seen and read as a woman but not pressed about it. it's whatever unless i know someone closely, which is when i tell them i'm a lesbian and indifferent to pronouns and such. i've found comfort in this. that's a digression though, my point is i'm going back on estradiol. maybe someday i'll switch completely.
life sucks still, but persepctives are ok. mood: exhausted, kinda numb.
i saw some new followers; want you to know i checked your sites, like them a lot. i've followed back the ones i think i have potential to be interested in.
sometimes i think the webmaster is cool, but the site is exclusively fandom and such things i have no interest in, and then i may not follow, please don't take it personally.
overall i am surviving; i think on the weekend and as it approaches i'll write more here, right now i'm just making this journal entry and going to sleep.
planning on looking like a lesbian tomorrow also.
28.01.2024
sorry that i disappeared for a while, had a busy period due to changing workplaces. on thursday i had therapy and got triggered (i'm a victim of csa, incest and other shit) and been basically mildly unstable internally for a day and reading into everything other people said and isolating from them. i've actually had a convo with said therapist about attachment models and about how i'm both ambivalent and avoidant and my profile corresponds to one of someone who rarely gets attached and whose main attitude towards other people is distrust. it's unfrotunately accurate, though i do work on it. things suck. she said she's able to help me and i'm trying to trust her, i suppose.
on friday i got harassed on the tram and it threw me off, particularly as i was still a bit unstable and dissociative after thursday. i was waiting for my tram on the way back from work (i can't drive due to the medication i am on and the amount of it plus i live in a city with good public transport) and some homeless middle aged man asked me if i'm getting on, and i said yes. the tram arrived and he walked towards it, but he had bad vibes for me for some reason so i went to the next car and he followed me. so i jumped to the first car again and he followed me again? i had little choice so i just got on the tram, turned to him and asked him what's up because - i thought - maybe my bag is open or something and he's just trying to be kind, and i'm being classist and assuming he's creepy since he's homeless. but he just smiled at me and said nothing, so i put headphones on and isolated mentally. he said something more to me, but he was speaking quietly and i didn't hear. then he wanted to give me his seat, sort of. he got up and pointed it to me, but i felt uncomfortable plus hygiene concerns (he smelled bad and i'm very sensitive to that), i nodded to him politely, but sat several seats away. he then left the car while mumbling something i didn't hear and some group of teenage boys were yelling at him - not defending me, just yelling because he was homeless and as i overheard later, schizo. i turned to them and asked what did he say when he left because i got the psychotic paranoia that he cursed me and now i'll be miserable (lol i'm definitely not in a good state especially since it stressed me out). in response they were like "not your business, queer! mind your phone!" so i shrugged and turned away, but then they started screaming homophobic slurs at me and of course asked if i was a guy or a girl. i hate this question. i tried to ignore them, but they harassed me repeatedly.
i get that asked often in similar situation and there's never a good response since if i say male i will get shit for being "effeminate fslur" or i'll be disbelieved and face harassment for being a woman pretending, and if i say female i'll face violence - possibly sexual too - for being a hairy dyke with a deep voice, or i'll be disbelieved, assumed mtf and treated as one (that happened repeatedly), and possibly beaten up. there's no good fucking answer. i didn't say anything. they continued with the slurs, threw ableist remarks about that schizo and it-called me.
i'm used to facing overt homophobia like that honestly because i dress in androgynous ways and 8 years of testosterone did something, so that didn't impact me much, but that middle aged guy literally following me... no. that was uncomfortable. been seriously wondering if i wasn't being a rich hussy, but i was fine with his presence, i just didn't want him to follow me, as a lesbian victim of sexual violence or... any young woman followed by an old man, that's probably normal.
therefore i've been in a meh state and not posting. today i bought groceries, cleaned up a bit, had a fancy breakfast and got slightly high, then finally did an entry on "the birth of tragedy", if my nietzsche runes from today sound like i was high then that's because i was high; i was still pretty serious in everything i wrote though, lmao. as always, i don't have to be high to be a specimen, but it certainly helps.
in general i'm surviving, i'll be writing an essay about the differences between myself and nietzsche philosophically sometime soon and maybe new perfume reviews and some reviews of the popsci things i was also reading, including the one about fungi, then i'll get to reich's psychoanalysis of fascism finally, and of course journal that.
i apologise for slacking but alas, life sucks. on the better note, appears that i'm exiting a horrible depressive period finally. i'm getting gradually very slightly better than last few weeks.
i love my current workplace where i moved a few days ago. it's quiet, not many people, tons of buzzing machines, dna freezers... various stuff of the kind you could imagine suits me. white, clean, quiet and high tech everywhere, i sit with my work and no one bothers me. the idea of going back on monday is even pleasant. i think i may learn to like this place.
posting the coat/outfit in which i got hatecrimed for whatever reason. life is brutal, et cetera.
22.01.2024
frustrating day at work as i spent hours touring the city to get one signature from one guy which i was apparently missing. i got cold and frustrated, then returned home, took painkillers, a hot shower and 45 minutes lying down with my face close to the lamp, which helped some. i really love this lamp, i truly recommend. it seems to be doing something good for me in regards to seasonal depression.
i'm sat reading nietzsche, one of his least popular books and actually the first book he wrote - "the birth of tragedy". i'll probably review it either today later or tomorrow, depending how tired i will be, so stay tuned. for now i wrote some runes based on discussions i had with a friend recently.
today a lot of people want something from me and i went full hermit, which is not good, i keep reminding myself i have to socialise! also i can't be eating once a day. fortunately i get appropriately told off for that.
not much happening today, one of these exhausting and monotonous days, although part of it is because of my avoiding people today, and part because of work issues, hopefully tomorrow will be better in this regard.
mood: no significant changes, except i'm notably exhausted and kind of frustrated with existence. i did "homework" for therapy today (was asked to draw my mental "safe place". it's a meadow. not a real place i've ever been to. i have no idea where i took that meadow from). i bought crayons specifically for that purpose and got even colder. some days are like this.
21.01.2024
i'm getting better gradually, but very slowly; today i was going to read wilhelm reich's psychoanalysis of fascism, but i barely read the introduction because i remembered i'm starting new tasks at work tomorrow and so i need to brush up on certain things, so i downloaded a textbook in pdf and i right now i'm studying. i'm a bit nervous about this.
i talked to someone with education in psychology - long story how we met and why - i sent them a link to this website. they said they saw both my aspd and my autism, separately, and also that due to traumagenic narcissistic traits i had the vibe of a teenager who thinks everyone else is "stupid" and "doesn't understand". however offended with this statement i talked to two close people of mine who have confirmed that, stating that while intellectually an adult i have the emotional vibe of one who thinks higher ups are stupid and outdated, people are dumb or boring, rules are stupid, and they should be allowed to do whatever they want. duh! i'm 25-teen.
might explain why i have a ton of sequin things in my room (i counted 3 so far, sequin notebook, bag and wallet) and also galaxy prints on furniture. also cats on everything. i guess posting about how nietzsche saved my life instead of gerard way doesn't save one from being mentally 15 (especially since i also post about wanting to be trent reznor), neither does being intelligent. lame!
speaking of, i got a nin downward spiral tshirt recently and i'm wearing it to work tomorrow, though i'll probably have to change clothes. i'm probably going to be in a lab, that might be fun.
overall, the process of healing is in action i suppose, and the books that are waiting are still waiting, but i promise i'll get to them; i also have various ideas to write on that i shall utilise once they crystalise in my head a bit. now i'm mostly nervous about my irl business, and i'll be back on studying once i finish this. hope whoever reading this is going to have a nice week and such.
18.01.2024
i lived up to the promise of writing something that i made yesterday, i suppose. i'm still tired, and no significant changes in mood, but i notice my libido is awaking, so there's some progressive, gradual changes towards the better, or so it seems? i also got the necklace i ordered to cheer myself up and today i decided that i really like my fashion sense.
i'd like to wear more uniform like cuts though, they're comfortable and clean and i love the idea of combining an elegant uniform cut with flamboyant elements and classic elegant items like ankle long coats and whatnot. i'm quite satisfied about the current state though. the necklace did cheer me up a bit.
i wrote two texts that might be of interest to anyone lurking here because they're interested in my thoughts or just think i'm an entertaining specimen. they can be found in "reflections". in one i accidentally used an ancap term apparently so i had to clarify and did clarify that. i need more sleep. the lamp seems to be doing its job though, i feel notably better than most of the recent days i remember.
tomorrow i'll likely receive the birthday gift i custom ordered for a close friend of mine and i'll probably send it to him immediately since it'll be friday. tgif. i can't to just chill with my books, although i keep it in the back of my head i have to socialise. my flatmate offered that we watch a series together soon, i think i need it.
i went to the gym today, after writing the runes i posted here. productive day, although tiring.
17.01.2024
still resting, sorry, i will write something soon. i feel better still - not better than yesterday, about the same, but better than last several weeks. i took a nap around the lamp again and it seems to have helped a bit. i love basking in the light, lmao. anyways, i will write something soon, i have to start reich's psychoanalysis of fascism, so i'm likely to journal that. please be patient i have autism. rest assured i'm recovering at least, and when i'm in a better mood i'm more likely to write something interesting.
16.01.2024
better. today i fell asleep near the lamp - face first into it, 10k lux in my face and i fell asleep, i've no idea how, i just relaxed when basking in the (artificial) sunlight, and when i woke up i felt better. i've had moments of feeling ok and even briefly excited about things today! had a convo with my dear today about some relevant things related to our relationship and it went very well and i'm more relaxed now. we decided on not being monogamous necessarily and some other things. honesty and communication are good, all that. also more relieved after that, i suppose.
when i woke up from my weird cat nap i went cruising the whole neighbourhood in search of sherbets and sprinkles, unsurprising they hardly sell that stuff in january, i got cold but took a hot shower later and i feel better now. overall i do feel better, still not ok but today was an improvement. i have a faint but present feeling of hope. it snowed and the outside is very beautiful to look out. i wanted to read something today, but honestly i'm just resting today, and so i also didn't add any updates to this site. tomorrow i shall go to the gym perhaps and maybe read something and journal it or write something, i'll see, or read and not journal, whatever i feel like. i don't know if it's catching up on sleep a bit or the lamp but i do feel better. i got a migraine from suddenly ingesting a fuckton of sugar - i don't eat sweet things normally almost at all so that's unusual - but took meds and currently surviving. mood status: cautiously hopeful.
15.01.2024
the lamp i ordered for phototherapy arrived today and i've used it for the first time - i've felt somewhat more enthusiastic about things in my life later, though i don't know how much of it is some kind of placebo. i will continue observing for the next few days. i've also returned to therapy. i've hit the kind of low that motivated me to do so; while i work, read and i'm fairly productive, i've been horribly anhedonic and incapable of pretty much any positive emotion, at very least most of the time. therefore i promised i would seek therapy again. the therapist i've found is specialised in treating trauma and says she has an idea how to help me, and will focus on treating my trauma, not my personality, given my current "pathiological" traits are traumagenic anyways - she's right, and this approach is a plus, once again let's see how that develops. i've been told my story is one of the "worst" she ever encountered, which is kind of validating in my "right" to be so fucking broken after what i had for a childhood in my formative years. i am presently highly functional but also highly dissociative and on a ton of medications, that leaving out substances i abuse in my free time. it's reassuring, but it doesn't help me; i hope she has capability to do anything for me.
i'm exhausted of being miserable for no reason. i mainly mean the anhedonia. i may not think about my past, not get flashbacks and whatever and i still have to struggle to be able to enjoy anything, and get depressive for the slightest reason. it's all been exhausting. appears to possibly be improving, though: libido has returned a bit and i've slept better lately. today i will probably rest and read something just for fun, without journaling - later, after i finish this entry. i'm making movements to fix myself up a little. mood: exhausted, cautiously hopeful.
11.01.2024
i'm lowkey exhausted and i've ordered a lamp for phototherapy, one with a certificate, which allegedly helps for seasonal depression. i've now been in a depressive episode for a while, since getting a new job in october kinda overwhelmed me, and then i've lost someone i was quite attached to, basically fell out due to mental illness clash (if you're reading this i apologise for the fact it went the way it went and i wish you well). upsides include the fact i got involved with another long term friend in november-december, now we're more than friends and i adore her. her existence is part of what keeps me functional rn, also my close friends whom i talk to. i'm earning enough to do retail therapy, which i'm happily indulging. i'm productive, i write things, i started reading again, but anhedonia and weird melancholy are generally draining my whole will to live. it's always gotten worse in winter, particularly january-february.
save me lamp for phototherapy... phototherapy lamp save me....
i by all means need to socialise and go out more for my own good - i'm a complete hermit aside from work in episodes like this - i really need to visit the local lgbt group and possibly and book club i've wanted to check out, and to get back in contact with a friend of mine i used to go to uni with, we've promised each other to get a beer together and of course we don't seem to manage. i need to fix that, and overall get myself together. it's bleak, a lot of things are bleak.
on the upsides, i'm slowly - very slowly - becoming less miserable at coding, and enjoying expressing myself here quite a lot. i think i'll be fine when it gets a bit warmer, and perhaps when i get the lamp. i've slept better lately, woke up relatively fine after 6 or so hours of sleep. i think when i get myself back into properly indulging with my interests - history and such - and keep to the routine i've developed i should survive. nervertheless, things suck, with singular highlights. mood: melancholic.
17.12.2023
i've been alone last two days, as two of my closest friends have been on vacations/trips - these are the people i normally talk to all the time; i talked a little to someone else i've been close with lately but otherwise i've been home alone and not talking to anyone. i'm noticing this has healing properties - this and taking a break from social media. i enjoy talking to my beloved friends all the time and will not want it to change - except maybe for isolating for a few hours from time to time in order to hermit and enjoy the newly rediscovered benefits of complete solitude - but i find that i now have the opportunities to make peace with my thoughts and really sit on them. chew on them. thing is, normally i would feel compelled to vocalise most of the thoughts i had in real time and thus engage in them, or i would use social media or something else to distract myself. now i get to acutally spend a while reflecting on them and taking on various perspectives. it seems to not be a coincidence that venting helps the most when it's something one has been chewing for a while and it finds catharsis in form of being finally vocalised in a longer essay one thought on before, and seems less beneficial when one is vocalising their worries in real time as they appear and therefore not really sitting on them, not putting effort into processing them that is necessary to word them in a coherent way. i've always had nature of a hermit as i'm a specific type of an autist, but now i really appreciate what someone told me about isolation in the past. granted, my form of isolation is extreme in this case as i was also not going outside over the weekend. outside is cold and i have zero intention of going there in december if i don't really have to. so anyways, i've been in solitude, reflecting on various things that have been troubling me lately, chewing on them and maybe - hopefully - regaining some serenity. i'm also happy that i've found myself a way to use the time i spend away from my close friend productively instead of distracting them from enjoyable irl experiences by bitching. nietzsche would say this can make the palate more sensitive to taste. not to be like uwu mindfulness! but sometimes solitude and reflection help develop distance. no notifcations, nobody wants anything from me. sometimes it's important for one's own sensitivity to cease stimulation and allow to find oneself actively wanting, missing, things like contact with people or something to do, to occupy one's brain at time, so wanting to read and write, among other things.
09.08.2023
what is this exactly i'm doing with myself...? my unwillingness to give in to strong passions and emotional desires, my ascetism, practicing self control in form of obsessive internal hygiene in order to mainstain stability and for that reason pursuing full awareness of my own subconscious, psychoanalyzng myself to maintain an internal order - where is it an expression of strength, power over my own instincts, weaknesses and internal currents, a state of purity of will, clarification, desire and expresssion only oriented towards conscious goals of thriving and creating... and how much is it a result of weakness, avoidance, inaction resulting from exhaustion, denial of own passions that i could live out to the fullest and find a motivation to create in extreme states they could drive me to...? where's the line between avoidance because i'm exhausted and avoidance because i'm cutting my losses and gathering my energy to put it into something more productive and fulfilling...? when am i pursuing power and thriving by taking control over myself and imposing an order onto my own chaos - which is a desire of strong natures, desire of the elevated - and when am i just running away like a coward from a passion that could give me new perception, motivation and ability...? why is it so difficult to tell with myself sometimes?
at least right now i am pretty certain i have been exhausted by feelings - but do i know how much of this exhaustion is a result of not utilising it the way i could have, as an inspiration, enough? could it have been an inspiration more than it was? is there a point where my desire for distance, meant to enable action based on clear perception, becomes desperate self defence? at that point too is the defence not an act of saying no to life? how do i locate that point?
how do i identify two fundamentally contradictory desires within myself, if they're desires for the same thing, but so deeply different in their nature and source?
the desire to achieve control within myself, internal integrity for clarity of will, ability of decision and action via knowing, establishing and crystalizing my will, claming certainty that allows me to act easily, an intenal synchronisation and centralized control under which i can enforce my will onto the world with surgical precision and jump onto opportunities, the stability from within which i can so easily source confidence and heal myself, a sense of dominant instinct internally having uninterrupted ability to act, which makes it so beautifully easy to take power annd control over my life and the world on the outside
the desire to run away, shelter myself, deny a "self" completely perhaps so that i can become a stream of consciousness not tied by responsibilities not subjugated to emotional desires, the desire to isolate these emotional desires as "not mine", put them outside then defend myself from them? the desire to put myself above my feelings so that i can avoid them because i don't have the energy or the ability to process them...? exhaustion? unwillingness to act at all? the desire to maintain obsessively controlled stability so that i can avoid the human in me, avoid healthy instincts in me and give in to self imposed apathy and illness?
how do i separate them? how do i know when am i gathering myself together and when am i giving in to exhaustion, insecurity and fear?
right now, what am i doing with myself? am i in a state of exhaustion? how much have i descended into nihilism and got poisoned with it entirely and how much am i just holding on to and protecting from unnecessary confrontation, exposure and spending out the energy of parts of me that are still responsive and capable of having a will and passion? what are, within me, gestures of unproductive cynicism of an exhausted, sick nature, and what are rational actions of saving my forces for things that are either worth it or necessary?
right now, am i cleaning out my head so i can know and take what i find remaining and enable myself to action, or am i enforcing indifference on myself out of cowardice?
right now is there much i don't want to confront? right now do i perhaps need to cleanse my mind first to be able to confront?
control - respect for myself - how do i achieve it?
