sociopath rights activist
a little essay about how i allegedly gaslight, gatekeep and girlboss
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this is another very personal text i've been wanting to write for a while; overall, i avoid talking about my mental issues too much most of the time because i don't want to be approached as a potential abuser or come off like one of these logged on weirdos who wear it like a badge of honour, but i have a complex relation to it in a way where i've made effort to accept in myself certain traits which are framed in stigmatised ways, rightfully or not, and did my best to make peace with them and keep them in control. few better places to talk about it than a website where i'm effectively anonymous. unfortunately i also have other symptoms aside from these (dissociation and mood issues), but i wanted to specifically talk about my experience of having some of the more stigmatised patterns of emotional and mental processing.
technically i have a diagnosis of "non-specified" personality disorder with mixed traits of several. i was diagnosed in my early 20s. for multiple reasons, one being that i'm highly "functional", i have a degree - presently, back then i was in process of getting one - and a responsible job i'm capable of performing, my psychiatrist didn't want to put something that could affect my chances on the job market and generate "artificial" issues, particularly since i've already been diagnosed with autism as a child. elaboration on my specific case was contained in psychological and psychiatric opinions, which are also part of documentation but less accessible. another factor is that because of my autism and its expression it's sometimes difficult to separate behaviours and patterns that may be autism symptoms from these that are believed to be pathological. while in some autistic people it's fairly easy to separate autism from a personality disroder, it's not easy in me because of the dominating traits - reading this text will clarify what i mean. the fact it's not a typical expression of either in a woman makes it even more nuanced, so i'll go off the opinions and what i know of myself for discussing this.
i will attempt to discuss both the symptoms that mainly bother me - which is most - and these that have potential to harm other people, including what is my pov on the latter and how i "cope" with it. i value having close people, even as i don't need that many and rarely get attached, so i've been attempting to have healthy relations, and that requires me to not act on some impulses, both because some could damage these relations directly and because other ones could cause them to drift away from me on ground of moral concerns, and i don't want that. i'm also a great fan of having a job and not being in prison, you know. very enthusiastic about not being in prison.
first off, i have a mixture of borderline and narcissistic traits which typically harm mostly me. my expression of borderline isn't the typical one found in women and is somewhat overshadowed by other traits, in that i don't have the most "visible" and "characteristic" bpd symptoms and not it's very easy to see unless one knows me very closely. i don't tend to have the characteristic "relational" expressions of borderline, which include splitting on close people (or it's extremely rare), i have a relatively stable image of self, even despite dissociation, little need to impulsively change friendgroups and partners or appearance, i didn't have a "favourite person" beyond the age of 12, and i don't exhibit isolation urges in regard to close people (aside from autistic need for solitude). i do, however, exhibit tendencies for substance abuse and risk taking behaviours, pathological boredom, sense of "existential guilt" - which is a feeling of deep "wrongness" of my very existence for no specified reasons - resulting from this inclination to seek harm as "punishment", and a tendency for short psychotic and sub-psychotic states, as well as paranoia in states of stress.
i also suffer from pathological perfectionism, take horribly to rejection and failure - i got suicidal over failed exams i could retake - i don't have an internal sense of "worth" and i feel i need objective, measurable success to feel like i deserve to live, and i only deserve to live if i'm part of the elite and better than most everyone else. that's the narcissism. i have a need to be admired and taken as a role model. that's what is commonly referred to "narcissistic supply", which i believe is a stigmatising take on that since it exists a part of need for "external proof of worth" - it's of the same category as other marks of success and high position in social and professional hierarchies (not easy to achieve for an autist, trust me; i'm actually charismatic and i have no social anxiety, but otoh my autism and other traits i'll progress to make me offputting to some people, so i'm polarising above anything else). i often feel i deserve to live - let alone deserving happiness - only if i'm perfect or the closest to perfection a human of my predisposition can achieve, and certainly if i'm a specifically talented, capable, attractive et cetera individual; if i were mediocre... i suppose i would kill myself, though i try not to reason this way. "narc crashes" are what happens when i make a mistake which puts into question one of the pillars i rest my sense of worth on - i.e. failing an exam which would make me feel maybe i wasn't as intelligent and as much of a prodigy as i believed myself to be and was believed to be - that would cause me to feel entirely worthless, and thus undeserving of survival - i needed to end myself and make place for these who could achieve what i couldn't. definitely toxic reasoning and one i've been taught - i've put what i was taught into habit - to keep under control and engage in as little as possible. i've bothered myself for months on end with rejections even by women i had no actual feelings for or stake in, even if i got over them as people and stopped wanting them long ago, only because of the sole fact i was unwanted by someone, and that put into question my sense of being attractive and all the effort i put into this. i put a lot of effort into this, believe me, i spend pretty significant amount of money on skincare and haircare, i hit the gym regularly - although that's also just for physical and mental health and capability - the feeling that it was still too little would leave me heartbroken.
speaking of "supply", this framing puts a significant emphasis on implication of "using" or "exploiting" other people solely via having a need to be admired and thus doing things that draw admiration, which is hardly a violation of agency of people who choose to be impressed by whatever i do. i'm pretty positive on that everyone enjoys being admired, i just have more of a stake in it than the average person, so i put more time and resources into it; narcissists tend to be perfectionists who invest a lot in developing skills, image et cetera and craft the way they're perceived externally carefully. it's not malicious, it's just pursuing the goal of being seen as close enough to what we aim to be like and are consistently dissatisfied with falling too far off. moralising it has the same effect as boiling everything to "manipulation", which i would progress to.
i often have an impression that i don't have to abide to rules because i "will be rational about it" and can be trusted to do everything right, and i don't "need" rules since, unlike most people, i can regulate myself and will act rationally without external limitations. i am pretty self aware and have distance to that as of now; i abide to rules if it's necessary at work or if i have other kinds of a stake (i.e. not putting a friend in trouble) in it. i'm honestly not sure how much my aversion to rules and regulations is down to autism and how much it its down to other things; i'll progress to that. i prefer company of people i consider intelligent and interesting (duh) and i often don't pay much attention to people who, according to me, don't meet these criteria. a lot of the time contact with people i consider stupid annoys me so much i completely avoid them unless i have to be polite for work reasons or other. i'm highly critical of myself and others, though i only give the criticisms to others when i am asked for it. in close, personal relationships i tend to be stable, very rarely overtly angry - i know my anger has destructive potential, so i sort of just shut down and get super formal, detailed and autistic instead - and if anything detached and muted, with intimacy issues, and i experience fear of failure or not meeting my own standards notably more than i fear abandonment, so it's an atypical in women domination of processing associated with npd.
do i abuse people? not that i'd know of, although i know i've been in mutually toxic relations in the past. i experience impulses to neg my loved ones because i enjoy the vision of them obsessing over me and also to take "revenge" whenever i feel slighted or criticised, and i feel criticised easily. i don't tend to act on these impulses if i know they're irrational, and i check with other friends before i snap at someone for what is probably bullshit, i watch myself to avoid being an abuser, so i guess i'm not. i also tend to willingly give a lot of attention and affection to people, both because i like having the ability to impact people - including positively, i'll get to that - and because i enjoy gratitude, and also i find them entertaining. when i get attached, i experience a general desire to make them happy, like any other person does; so i think there are worse people to be close with, though that's not mine to judge. no one complained recently.
i don't tend to get heated about "narc abuse" and similar things, particularly also being a victim of a narcissistic parent myself, which ironically caused me to develop these traits - i recognize there's particular patterns of emotional abuse; it's worth nothing, however, that people with "non-disordered" personalities are also oftentimes abusers. i don't really know how much more inclined cluster b are to abuse people. most abusers aren't cluster b, and cluster b who are aware of their issues are typically much more likely to keep themselves in check, know what behaviours are considered harmful, and make an active effort to avoid that - compared to "normal" people, who don't suspect themselves of capabilities to abuse and aren't assumed to be potential abusers, so they're often less self aware.
out of other things - i am somewhat antisocial. it's debatable - and has been debated - whether i would qualify for a diagnosis of aspd. it's debatable because of relation of autism to some of "antisocial" traits - autism is considered in differenatial diagnosis with aspd - and because i have no criminal record, although i will not comment in public on whether or not that's a matter of not getting caught. i've certainly involved myself in certain actions believed to be "immoral", though mostly victimless, and i've encouraged others to get into physical fights and whatever else. one time i've talked a drunk friend into a bar fight with someone else, which resulted in both of us being banned from that bar. fun times. i've done these things solely for fun. it is probably also down to my gender that i preferred to act in similar ways indirectly. these things, and my motivation of finding it exciting, were considered in my opinions. for clarity - i have never done nor encouraged any form of sexual violence, i'm a csa victim and it's one aspect in which i care.
otherwise i don't have a grasp on morals whatsoever, which got me demonised a lot as a child when i asked why certain things were "bad" and questioned it. i've found the nietzschean philosophy i post about to be lifesaving in this regard as it gave teenage me ground to reject the terms of good and evil i didn't anyway understand and operate beyond them (haha, "beyond good and evil", get it?). i don't experience affective empathy or remorse. no, not even for loved ones. again, non-malicious, i do oftentimes find myself wanting to comfort them and enjoying looking after them, it just doesn't affect my own mood whatever is happening to them - that actually makes comforting them easier. few things impact on my mood that way; i've worked with the dead and had people die in my presence, even someone i've talked to soon before. it just doesn't impact me and i do my own thing. again, a trait which debatably may have to do with autism, though while i've met low-empathy autistic people, i never met one who was as "bad" as me.
i don't tend to feel guilt aside from the existential one discussed before - hilarious, really, only ever feeling guilty for existing and not something i actually did. i also have a distorted sense of fear for my own life and harm, so i've been extraordinarily chill in situations of threat to mine or someone else's life, and was capable to act with efficiency. that's a plus for sure. i exhibit inappropriate emotional responses often, feeling excitement instead of concern in dangerous situations and also when witnessing violence a lot of the time, or reading about things such as war. funny thing - i am the opposite of people who say war is necessary but are sad because of it; reading about conflict is exciting to me if anything, but i'm ideologically against war as pointless destruction that, in the era of mass destruction weapons, doesn't properly channel the aggressive and destructive instincts in individuals anyways.
i often find people entertaining and interesting, but it takes me months to get attached enough to be affected emotionally i.e. by someone's death; i think i could, if necessary, kill a lot of people i know and not feel much about it, but i don't have a need or good reason to do so. important to note that people like me feel no need really and truly to be serial killers when we can achieve quite a lot of power and impact and have full freedom within bounds of legality. i really enjoy capability to impact things and people according to my ability, and i enjoy responsibility, so i'm very well suited for my responsibile job; of course, i keep to rules at work and don't do things that can be considered unethical or illegal. i can say as a teenager i really wanted to become a gynecologist (i did not eventually) because i loved the idea of having power over something as important as fertility and sexuality, and because i am an autist and often honest i would openly share that motivation, which earnt me some weird looks.
another important part is that i also enjoy having positive impact, which is what i often focus on; it doesn't have to be hurting and destroying people for fun, uplifting them generally also brings an amount of satisfaction. for this reason i often enjoy effortless kindness, being nice to people just because it's easy for me when it takes no emotional involvement, which is most of the time. again, this is what many would consider me "pretending to be" a nice person. there's always an assumption that people similar to me have a malicious intent behind literally everything. sometimes i just like the fact i have ability to change someone's day or mood by being kind to them, or i do it because it's easier, or because i want to "even out" the damage that comes from all the times i come off rude due to my autism and personality. i have multiple, varied motivations like most do. again, too, autism is involved here, so it's impossible to say how much of my behaviour concerning these things is autistic and how much of it is sociopathic.
in relationships i have pretty awful intimacy issues due to perceiving a lot of things in categories of advantages and disadvantages and i.e. feeling that betraying something affected me would give another person "advantage" over me they could potentially exploit (or even, if not, i would just feel exposed and vulnerable). i suffer from anhedonia and anhedonia dominated depression a lot, which in combination with psychotic depression and nihilistic delusions et cetera is extremely exhausting and i'm of course medicated. my emotions are often muted and i can feel excitement about very few things beyond sexual desire and my autistic interests; sometimes i get excited about work if i get enough power in a situation to show my competence, and sometimes i get excited about my close people, but overall i'm muted and suffer from chronic apathy or, as it was phrase in one of my opinions, "emotional coldness".
this, again, is part of why my borderline traits don't look like typical borderline - there's a domination of detachment and the "stability" it enforces over emotional swings. autism is not helping me here. i have very little tolerance for ignorance or mental weakness in myself and others - i.e. avoiding confrontation - and i suffer from what i call "can't keep mouth shut disorder", i have problems accepting any authority and rules i didn't make, choose or at very least consent to. i've come into conflict with "authority figures" such as teachers and lecturers. again, autism involved. punishments usually have the opposite effect.
do i have violent thoughts and desires? yes, and i don't mean intrusive thoughts. often about strangers, not just people who hurt me or these i'm angry with. i explore them in my head sometimes, but i don't act on them. primarily because beyond satisfying curiosity on how the violence would feel and getting an adrenaline rush i wouldn't benefit on it whatsoever, and i would face consequences. i can't be bothered. i don't want to end up in prison and i don't want my loved ones to turn away from me.
fun fact: autism combined with the rest makes me so unable to grasp morality that once i thought if i could, hypothetically, manipulate time and take it back i could act on similar impulses without being deemed immoral by my loved ones. my reasoning was that it wouldn't leave lasting damage and destruction. apparently it still would count as immoral, though, or so i heard. i have an interest in a lot of morbid topics and it works to a level as substitution to engage morbid curiosities.
do i lie and manipulate? depends, the lies question is easy to answer - i lie about small, unimportant things if it's more convenient, mostly to people i know casually, i.e. excuses as to why i was late to work or why i won't visit a family member. coming up with lies about developments in my life that would excuse me from coming to someone's wedding, you get the drill. i don't feel guilty and it's effortless. i don't lie in personal relationships - in general i avoid lying to people i respect - and about things that can be verified, and i don't lie compulsively just to lie. lies get discovered and it's by all means usually not worth it. i don't lie maliciously to get people vulnerable and then hurt them. i don't usually have any reasons to do so. i would say opposite, my type of autism makes me too honest often, and this entry is probably an example of that.
this picture was necessary here.
do i manipulate? honestly, it's difficult for me to grasp what do people consider to be manipulation. i don't do emotional manipulation, guilting, gaslighting and such which i know to be abuse techniques and which are rather obvious to spot, but i do things like asking vaguely related questions in hopes the person will reveal on their own an information i want but for any reason can't openly ask about, being nicer than i would otherwise because i suspect in future i may depend on that person for something, or acting shy on purpose so that someone decides to help me, befriending someone i for any reason don't trust and want to keep an eye on. usually these things are harmless to the "victims", and don't serve hurting or "using" them, nor even have that as a side effect. i have no intentions to harm people when i do this, and i considered it "diplomacy" rather than "manipulation" most of my life. it has a close connection with the "effortless kindness" part. once again people like me are always assumed to be lying and manipulating, as if we had nothing better to do with our lives. worth nothing that aspd was initially invented to categorise criminals in direction of who is the most likely to reoffend - it was always to do with relation to law and the state and in many ways the "bad person disorder".
am i capable of love? yes. i've had people i would be in despair over losing, and experienced grief over relationships ending. i need intellectual connection to get attached - i think that's autism - and it usually is rare and takes a lot of time, but if i develop a proper attachment i definitely can and do love. even on the shallow level before i develop attachment i experience fascination and sympathy, which means even at the stage where i wouldn't be affected by losing someone, i enjoy their presence and probably generically like them. i also do have a need to be liked and loved, and a need to have close people, although i'm usually satisfied with only 2-3 very emotionally intimate attachments. i have completely no attachments with my biological family, and for a good reason.
in all honesty, the combination of these traits with autism has left me in a hellish state of alienation. being demonised and stigmatised for these symptoms on top of being a gender nonconforming lesbian is generally a pain in the ass. it's difficult to find resources since most therapists are interested in morally condemning a woman like me rather than helping me, otoh women with "only" bpd with a more classic expression get painted as hysterical mentally and emotionally unstable females. i've been assumed to be "evil" since childhood significantly based on my gender - before i transitioned; some of my traits, autistic and the ones developed later, would've been seen as peripheries of normal in a boy but made me worse than satan in people's eyes because i was a little girl. on top of that, of course, the general sensationalised, media-fueled perception of personality disorders. i'm pretty sure some would read this and assume this text was written for manipulation purposes. improving cluster b reputation or whatever. no, i really just wanted to share my experiences with and felt allowed since this is my site. this is my site and i'm a narcissist. so i guess that. if anyone is curious about something i wrote here feel free to ask via email, although information on what problematic things i've done in my youth is off limits. prodding into my brain is fine. i guess this is all i felt the need to share and i hope i've taught someone something new.
